Leftist-Aphasia Outbreak! Doctors warn of potentially yet another epidemic!

America was startled this evening with this headline by Dana Loesch on Breitbart.com:

MCCASKILL CALLS IN FBI ON CONSERVATIVE ACTIVIST

Earlier today, FBI agents dropped in on the home of St. Louis conservative Scott Boston over remarks he made about Sen. Claire McCaskill at a Tea Party Express rally in Springfield. Fortunately, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch was able to break the news to him, as the informationwas first brought to the paper before Boston himself knew. 

Senator victimized by awkward disease

Yes, despite our hopes that the cause for concern had passed, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has confirmed that our worst fears are true, yet another outbreak of Leftist-Aphasia has indeed been detected, this time erupting in and around St. Louis Missouri.

According to the Mayo Clinic:

Aphasia is a condition that robs a person of the ability to communicate. Aphasia can affect your ability to express and understand language, both verbal and written. A person with aphasia may be unable to: ... Interpret figurative language literally.

This unusual strain of Aphasia has been officially termed 'Leftist-Aphasia' (also known by the more technical term of Proregressive Humorless Leftist-Aphasia), because it seems to affect only people of the leftist proregressive democrat persuasion, and only when they are exposed to conservatives using figurative language. Dr. Fun E. Bone, of the CDC in Atlanta, GA. says that,

"There's a strong likelihood that other psychological trauma may be involved (an impending landslide defeat of leftist candidates this November is one suspected cause), but it is difficult to tell in these matters. It is best to use caution, speak in simple sentences, and try to avoid saying anything that might require imagination or humor, in interpreting it."

The latest incident of this socially awkward disease seems to have been induced by a local Tea Party activist, Scott Boston, when, during a Tea Party Express event promoting conservative candidates here, Mr. Boston carelessly used figurative language within ear-shot (note to leftists: it's ok, Breath, the use of 'shot' is simply a figure of speech as well, no one is taking aim on your ears) of leftist operatives.

Mr. Boston was using imaginative language and punning (which is known to produce a notoriously virulent reaction in those victims stricken with the latest strain of Leftist-Aphasia) on the Senator's carefully crafted local image of a being a kind, cuddly and caring Senator, for which she is often called "Claire Bear", as a take off on the popular stuffed animals and cartoon "Care Bears".

Explained a sorrowful Mr. Boston,

"I was comparing her to like a giant Care Bear," Boston said in an interview. "If I said anything, I said, 'We need to kill the Claire Bear,' this idea that Claire McCaskill is this wonderful person running around doing great things for us."
Boston said that "in no way do I think the senator should be at all harmed."

Sen. McCaskill bravely fighting off
another attack of Leftist-Aphasia

No comment from Sen. McCaskill's office on whether or not it was true that she is even driven into anxiety when conservative 'friends' pronounce her name, though insiders whisper that is the case.

Sadly such simple usage of figurative language, which is so easily graspable by normal, healthy people, is fraught with difficulties for the victim of Leftist-Aphasia. Not only did the operatives rush back to campaign headquarters with the news that Tea Party activists were about to attack, but they showed their true fears by calling their #1 Support Lines, the media, in this case the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, even before notifying the FBI of the supposed threat.

Jake Wagman, a reporter with the Post-Dispatch, seems to have only caught a mild case of the disease, as is visible in his article, and doctors are speculating that this is possibly due to his having been told of the 'incident' second hand over the telephone, and from fellow leftists. Though the FBI had to, as a matter of procedure, investigate, a simple call to Mr. Boston's home disclosed the obvious fact that there was no threat involved or intended, at any time.

The CDC is concerned that this latest episode is indicative of a possible resurgence of the recent epidemic of leftist-Aphasia that swept Democrat circles nation wide. Readers may recall how for several months the entire party had seemed unable to understand even the simplest use of figurative language, erupting into media fueled tizzies whenever coming into earshot (breathe leftists, just breathe) of conservatives using words such as 'Target' or 'Kill the Bill', etc.

Doctors are warning the public that not only is using even such commonly understood terms as "Bang!", and "You're dead!" likely to induce an immediate outbreak, but apparently now even Metaphors may send your leftist friends & relatives into severe panic attacks.

Doctors confirm that they are still entirely puzzled by the fact that leftists themselves are somehow able to use such terms themselves, such as Charles Barkley's recent shouting out to Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney,

"Mitt Romney. Listen main man, we're going to beat you like a drum in November. Don't take it personally. You seem like a nice guy. But you're going down, bro,"

, yet these same leftists are entirely incapable of grasping the same words and figures of speech when used by conservatives. No word yet on progress towards a long term cure for this cruel disease,

"Medical Science has only progressed so far, these things take time to understand and even begin to find cures for."

,explained Dr. Bone. The best we can do, he said, is to have patience, though he did suggest that temporary relief may be had for the public by voting Leftists out of office this November - it's the Right thing to do.

Missourians especially - show your compassion and help us help Claire! This Nov, send her home and allow her to get the rest she so desperately needs!